On Motherhood & Mourning My Childhood

This summer has been quite literally the best of times and the worst of times at the very same time.

On one end, I have the most freedom I've ever gifted myself, both in time, energy, and mental capacity. My life feels like my own in a way it hasn't since I was very, very young. And even those times pale in comparison to the freedom I have now and the peace of mind I've cultivated.

On the other end, my finances are tighter than they've been in years, I have not one friend to lean upon, and I've had to deal with the grief over my childhood that I've unconsciously buried for years.

Grief is the right way to describe it, for I've gone through the "seven stages." Most prominently this summer was anger--righteous rage for my inner child who would have faired better with more love in her life.

And then, after many tears and moments of reflection, came acceptance. And not just acceptance but understanding.

I understand the ways in which my parents simply couldn't show up for me. I understand that I chose to be born unto a lineage with a foundational crack--and I believe I chose this path in order to heal the crack from the inside out. To heal the curse by being cursed and working to un-curse myself.

And there is no cursed existence quite like self-rejection. From that place, I constantly judged myself and judged others. In judging others and myself, I kept true love at a distance and went the first thirty-two years of my life without experiencing true, unconditional love.

Well, my darlings, the curse stops here!

I'm reminded of the film Penelope, where a young woman is cursed with the nose of a pig. In order to break the curse, she must experience true love.

Her parents try to find her a suitor using their wealth and status, but every man balks upon seeing Penelope's unmasked nose.

Ultimately, Penelope breaks the curse herself when she decides that she is going to love herself and stop waiting for someone else to love her.

The irony reveals itself when her mother realizes that if she had loved Penelope unconditionally, she would have broken the curse.

That definitely preaches!!

I've now got in on my queue to make a video speaking about this film and breaking familial curses in depth--keep an eye out!

Until that time, here's my girl talk on motherhood and mourning my childhood.

Enjoy!

Xo,

Spirit